


blue

by thiccheart



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bulimia, Constructive Criticism Welcome, Eating Disorders, I swear i love lele, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Poor Lele, Sad, Secrets, Vent Accounts, i am still learning so please correct me if get any information wrong, implied flushing, lowercase intended, mentions of b/p, mentions of vomit, not edited we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2020-10-27 03:30:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20753618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thiccheart/pseuds/thiccheart
Summary: in which ; chenle has a vent account that nobody should know exists





	1. one ;

**Author's Note:**

> pls read the warnings  
thank u to my best buddy ( u know who u are ) for helping me with thisssss
> 
> enjoy
> 
> !!!!! this is a work of pure fiction and i am not saying by any means that this is nonfiction and this is how the characters are in real life !!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> read tags !!!!

_beesung responded to their story _   
_beesung ; you okay?_

jisung sighed, his heart racing slightly in anticipation for a result. the other male (jisung knew as chen) having a slightly alarming instagram story. jisung clicking on the small icon for the fourth time, rereading the material. an image of a plain white calendar, marking calorie intake and days where the male had purged.

> _fuck lmao, when will i just look gooD_   
_(also i am sorry for anyone who had hopes in me x>)_

the black text sat on an empty white square, the other days filled with intake. the past week being marked with the words 'purge'. jisung clicked back to the text box, making a second message.

_beesung ; chen, i am worried :/_

_ch-n ; i am fine lmao_   
_ch-n ; and sorry i made you worried_

_beesung ; don't apologize!! _   
_and are you sure?_

_ch-n ; i am sure, i am not killing over so i am fine :)_

_beesung ; text me if you need chen ok? _   
_you can come to me if you need._

_ch-n ; okay_   
_thanks lmao_

_beesung ; no problem chen_

jisung turned his phone off, plugging his phone in and sighing. he can't keep worrying so much, he can't control chen. chen is his own person. he controls what he can and can not do. all he can do is try to help. but chen was okay for now. he just needed to sleep.

...

_sorry. _chenle sighed, finishing a conversation with another person. they believed in him and he failed. again. was he even trying to get better at this point? his face was still a bright red and swollen. pale knuckles dressed in light scarring.

chenle turned the shower off, standing up and washing his hands. seeing black spots in his vision. his hands latched onto the edge of the counter. blinking repeatedly till he could see normally.

"lele? i need to piss hurry up!" jeno pounded on the door. the redhead crouched down under the sink, pulling a can of febreeze out and spraying the bathroom. the alcoholic smell covering the strong smell of his purge. picking his phone up from the floor and leaving the bathroom, getting pushed lightly as jeno ravaged into the bathroom like an angry buffalo.

chenle bit his lip, trekking back to his bedroom and flopping onto his bottom bunk bed. muscles relaxing into the soft mattress. so tired from his purge he could pass out right then and there. struggling too as his phone vibrated a million times.

chenle clicked the power button, wincing at the bright light in the dark bedroom. after turning down the brightness he began to read the notifications.

_beesung replied to your story _   
_beesung sent you a message ; you okay? _   
_beesung sent you a message ; chen, i am worried :/_

chenle bit his lip, typing his passcode into his phone and answering. a short message before realizing the painful headache forming. leaning over to pull a small bottle of advil out. taking two white pills out and tossing them in his mouth, swallowing them dry. wincing slightly.

"you still awake lele?" jisung spoke up.

"yeah. 'm tired though." a slight pause filled the room before jisung began talking again.

"do you wanna come lay up here?" jisung mumbled aloud into the darkroom. chenle smiled softly, springing up and climbing up the steps. wiggling next to the long maknae. the two tightly pressed together, lying in silence. it wasn't uncommon for the two to cuddle to sleep on tiring nights like these. or icy ones where their heating just decides to give up during winter.

"today was fun." jisung began a light conversation to the sleepy chenle. the elder nodding and tapping jisung's stomach.

"yeah, especially when donghyuck-hyung kept sneezing, i thought he would get a nose bleed from how much he sneezed." chenle smiled softly, replaying the laughter from today's trip to a park for an nct daily episode.

"honestly." jisung replied, yawing loud and patting chenle's shoulder. watching the elder with half-lidded eyes gaze around their room.

"do we have a schedule tomorrow?" jisung inquired. long thin fingers tousling with the short hairs on chenle's neck.

"no clue, you could text our managers." jisung lifted his phone, checking the time.

"way too late, we will figure out tomorrow anyways." jisung threw the thin phone back down, raising his hand to yawn again.

"let's sleep." jisung pulled the baby blue blanket up, wrapping the two of them up so even more heat was shared.

"goodnight sung." chenle shut his eyes, tilting his head forward to bump jisung's ribcage.

"night lele." jisung replied. mind still cursed with thoughts about chen. he shouldn't be worried, just sleep for the night. then text back in the morning. he always replies quick.

telling himself over and over, he can't control chen. but something is still itching in his brain to check the instagram page again, just in case of a new story or possibly even a regular post.

it would be fine, he told himself, chen would be fine.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning this chapter has a purge scene  
yeah

"wake up losers!" renjun yelled loudly into the twos ears, the eldest dreamie clinging on to the ladder while poking at the sleeping boys, chenle jumping up and hitting his head on the ceiling, yelling and holding his hand on his scalp. "we have a show today, come up, shower before we use all the hot water." renjun jumped down from the ladder, walking out of their room.

jisung rubbed his eyes, sighing and turning on his phone. he typed into the search bar on instagram the familiar username. nothing.

no updates, no messages, no stories, no posts.damn.

jisung tossed his phone down, looking at the sleepy chenle sitting up in his dazed state. "come on, jeno is gonna steal all of the hot water." chenle began to wind down the steps, yawning loudly as he stepped into the hallway. the strong smell of coffee filling their nose. chenle grabbed a fluffy white towel, entering the steamy bathroom from the previous males' showers. peeling his clothing off to step into the shower for a short wash. the scalding hot water dripping over him, relaxing his muscles for the long day ahead of the boys. knowing he would have to practice way too early in the morning for his own liking. but that was the life of an idol, overworking to the bone.

the loud knocking on the door startling him, "lele! your phone keeps buzzing!" jisung. chenle cursed in his mother tone, hoping their maknae didn't see. jisung was not invasive, he didn't look at anybody's phone. he just hoped this was a similar case.

"door is open." chenle replied, peaking out the edge of the plastic shower cover. jisung leaning in and giving him his phone. chenle clicked it on, reading the messages. thank god. just his mom.

nothing to worry for, jisung didn't know. nobody knew.

...

_gross_

chenle hovered over a public bathroom toilet, was he this desperate? maybe. did he care? kinda. the food he had just shoveled down his throat now being thrown back out of him. marking a mental note to pay back their manager for wasting the food. _the others could have eaten it. stop wasting so much. just hold it down._

chenle's body shook, coughing again as he took a gulp of water, flushing out anything he can. the gnawing fear of someone coming in burning into his brain. everything ached as he spits for the last time, dry heaving for nothing to come out. black spots dotting his vision.

he couldn't let the meal sit in him for long (or it would come up by itself without chenle's aid ; curse chenle's tummy) he felt his heart pounding in his ears. trying to stand up without toppling over onto his side. chenle flushed, pulling a bottle of cologne out of his bag and spraying it over him, drowning the bathroom in the musky smell.

"lele? you have been in there for a while. you ok?" donghyuck. sweet donghyuck. the elder knocking on the bathroom door.

"i'm fine, my stomach is just hurting." chenle replied, wiping his mouth and stepping away. washing his hands quickly.

"do you need any medicine?"

"no, just give me a moment." chenle wiped the sweat from his forehead, splashing his swollen and beet red face. trying to quickly rid of the bright color.

"if you still don't feel good lele, tell a manager ok?"

"i will hyung." chenle scooped his bag up, leaving the bathroom. his hyung waiting outside the door, a hand going to his forehead.

"you're a little warm if you feel bad later on and are hotter, we will go home." donghyuck worried, patting his back.

_please don't be worried about me hyung. _chenle thought. lips forming into a weak smile and walking back into the waiting room. he flopped onto a corner of a black leather couch. pulling his phone out to log in to his private account. viewing through the notifications and messages. sadly a rather popular account for a vent account. chenle opened a message, someone asking how to be like him.

_ch-n ; don't - you don't want to, you are perfect how you are ok? please love your life happy without worrying daily about this kinda thing._

chenle bit his lip as he hit the send button, running a hand through his hair. why would anybody want to do this to their bodies?

chenle snapped an image of the tiled floor, writing a small caption.

> _lmaO what's getting better? all i know is i want to be a kid again, _
> 
> _like when i didn't worry abt this shit? idk but yanno it 🅱 like that._

chenle pressed post for his story, rubbing his sleepy eyes, still tired from his recent purge. their show was going to start soon, he needed to be wide awake. _wake up. wake up. wake up. _chenle told himself, shaking his head and widening his eyes. trying to fight his sleepiness.

chenle phone buzzed in his palm, pressing the on button till he read the notification.

_beesung replied to your story _  
_beesung _ _; are you okay? i know i say that a lot but like, i worry for you_

chenle unlocked his phone, giving the mutual a message back.

_ch-n ; please dont worry about me!! i am ok! i am just doing my emo thing x)_

_beesung ; text me if you need anything _   
_beesung ; you know that_

_ch-n ; of course. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated!


	3. three (fixed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes this chapter was slightly  
rushed (+ its shit) but it is done lmao  
(another p*rging scene)

no escaping this.

thursday night movie dinner. 127 and dreamies every weak would gather around and eat mass amounts of food and watch movie after movie till they finally feathered off to their own respective bedrooms and separate dorms.

chenle took in the lovely scent of chicken filling his senses upon entering the elder groups dorm room. his stomach growling hungrily at the food. johnny interrupted his thoughts, the taller hugging his thin frame. "oh lele i missed you!" johnny squeezed him tight.

"hi hyung." chenle mumbled back, biting his lip in a silent plea for the hug to end. he loved johnny but the idea the elder could feel this body so closely.

"come on!" johnny pulled the younger to where the other members began to eat. chenle was sat next to johnny, the elder handing a plate of chicken wings and legs. _don't waste, don't waste it._

chenle picked up the greasy white meat, biting the chicken hungrily. his stomach gurgling at the taste. fuck. chenle ate down to the bone, picking up one after another. cleaning the bones off, not making any effort to tune into the conversation.

"lele don't eat it all! you weigh a ton if you continue." a voice interrupted his trance, yuta. the realization that his fingers and face was covered in disgusting grease. chenle wiped his fingers on his shorts, the humiliation of the other's eyes on him now coming to realization. the chinese male pulled his hoodie sleeve to his mouth, wiping his lips and cringing at the stain on the black cloth. he didn't dare look up.

their conversation finally continued, chenle leaning over to johnny and whispering, "i am going to go shower, i will be back later." chenle stood up and walked away before he can even wait for a response from johnny or the rest. humiliated from how much he ate. his stomach already refusing the chicken. chenle paced out of the dorm, trekking as fast as his legs could take him down the steps to the dreamie dorm, putting the pin code in and rushing to the kitchen. making a glass of plain tap water.

chenle walked to the bathroom, closing the door shut and locking it. setting the glass down and starting the shower. the steam heating up the room already. chenle pulled out a metal weight scale from under the cabinet, stepping on it and waiting for the digits to stop changing.

_62kg._ chenle bit his lip, stepping off and shoving it back to the cabinet. the chinese male fell to his knees, hesitating slightly. _you said you would stop. _chenle's words rang through his mind, fingers close to his pale lips. _you hate doing this. stop it. stop it. stop._

chenle felt tears drop off his chin, chest rising and dropping quickly. _its hurts, you know it hurts so why. why do you do it? _chenle forced his fingers back, pressing and pressing repeatedly till his gag reflex decided to kick in. his meal coming up in acidic tastes. the struggle to get consistent breaths continuing to get harder by the second. _you failed them they believed in you. why did you fail them?_

chenle forced his hand back down, fingers touching the soft gummy texture near the back of his throat. coughing painfully and in uncomfortable heaves. his body felt like it was on fire the more he continued, the hoodie covering his frame not helping his case. chenle pulled the water from the top of the counter, gulping down some of it in hopes of helping it (i.e. his dinner) come up faster. pausing for a moment to catch his breath. dry heaving as his gag reflex continued to enact. chenle leaned back over finishing the last of it, his chest feeling strained and tight. _i am sorry. _he whispered in his thoughts. _just stop chenle, hold it down. you hate this, why continue? you're fucking killing yourself._

despite his brain whispering the words into his ears, he knew he would be sat in the same position. mind blank. black spots dotting his vision till he couldn't see. throwing up till he was numb.

chenle picked himself up, peeling his clothes off and stepping into the scalding shower, rushing to clean himself even in his tired state. he didn't want them getting suspicious. chenle stepped out, reaching to pull a white towel off the towel rack, drying himself off, meeting eyes with himself in the mirror. dumb swollen cheeks, eyes puffed uncomfortably, blotchy face. the chinese male took his attention to the cabinets again. opening said cabinet up and grabbing an all too familiar metal scale and placing it down. stepping nervously as angry red digits flashed between numbers. between the water weight and the mass amounts of food, he crossed his fingers in hopes in went down.

_59kg._

closer. not quite. but getting there. chenle placed it back neatly before leaving. walking across the cold hallway into his and jisung's shared room. pulling another hoodie out and slipping it on, joined with sweatpants. safe clothes. ones that didn't hug his body tightly for everyone to see. his eyes falling to his scarred knuckles, biting his pale lips. a small reminder that they could possibly see all of his secrets easily. his swollen cheeks still getting fooled for baby fat. chenle ran a hand through his wet hair, only now taking notice to the usual dizziness that followed after a purge. the weird worms that fell to his vision as he fell to his bed, caving in at the sweet comfort it brought him, his body begging for sleep. nope. they were waiting for him, probably preparing their lecture on leaving the table without context. chenle pushed himself off the comfort. eyeing the black slip on shoes beside a neatly folded pile of clothing for the teenagers to put up (i.e. shove under the bed), they were comfortable and his body did not have any energy to find sneakers to lace up at the moment. chenle stumbled to the shoes, slipping his feet in and now looking for his phone. eyes dashing across the room, picking up his towel and hoodie, shaking them near the wooden floor. nope. chenle's mind began slipping to the idea that he left them at the others dorm. _fuck fuck fuck. _the young chinese male dashed around the dorm and in every room he had been in. not finding his phone. still logged into his private account. and if his memory plays correctly. still open on the app. 

he's fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading  
comments and kudos are  
appreciated


	4. four ;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! mentions/implications of a pro-ana account !!!!

jungwoo knew it was wrong to be huddled in the bathroom, flipping through the numerous posts on chenle's phone. his breath caught in his throat. _not lele_. numerous post and story checks, watching the calendars and weight checks fly past. close friends' stories with pictures of tiled floors, commenting on how often he purges. dm's filled with apologies. jungwoo felt hot tears drip down, thinking about their second youngest purging being the only thing filling his mind. _not chenle, please not chenle. _jungwoo turned off the phone, taking toilet paper and wiping his eyes off from the salty tears, he had to stop. he needed too. it was an invasion of privacy.

jungwoo slipped chenle's phone into his pocket, standing up, pacing back and forth trying to calm down from the discovery. _should i tell? should i tell chenle i know? should i just act like nothing happened?_

jungwoo splashed his face with icy water. trying to stop his crying before the members caught his puffy face. he sighed into the chilly bathroom, hearing the start of the comedy movie from the living room. the korean male quick on his feet to place it back where he found it. on the dining table flipped upside down. pacing back to the dark living room and plopping next to doyoung. the other quick to cuddle jungwoo, wrapping his arms around jungwoo's torso and pulling him close. taking shuddered breaths as he tried to focus on the movie. _chenle is ok. chenle is ok. chenle is ok. _his mind drifted to the comment made tonight, his fingers digging into his elbows. _focus on the movie. focus on doyoung. focus on the clock. anything._ oh god. he felt sick to his stomach at the thought of chenle's red flushed ears in embarrassment, johnny's comforting look at the chinese male, about to scold yuta before chenle left the dorm. "_he just needed a break. i think he got overwhelmed." _johnny's words sticking like a sticker to the walls of his brain. doyoung's hand propping on his head to comb through the tangles distracting him for a moment, until the front door opened to chenle, his wet mop of a head dripping with water. a habit of not drying his hair showing on display. jungwoo held his breath, nails digging into his thumbs as a way to stop his near breakdown. distracting himself with the faint pain it brought. jungwoo couldn't bare another glance at the other, risking a blown out cry fest if so. trying to ignore the figure that taeyong quickly ushered to his other side, left side preoccupied with mark clinging on tight. he looked peaceful, taeyong smiling as the two younger boys cuddled tight to him. chenle indicated to be fine. no signs. no weird awkward energy. like it was a normal night. nothing wrong. jungwoo hadn't seen a thing. all he could focus on was doyoung's warm hold. don't focus on anything other. the instagram account didn't exist. chenle was fine.

the room felt quiet than usual movie nights, did chenle coming back ruin the mood? _damn. _chenle thought, unsure if the awkward silence was only felt with him or with the whole room. chenle felt so ungodly tired from his recent purge, not caring for the fact his hyungs would be scolding him later for not drying his hair. he felt his heartbeat beat in uncoordinated beats. slow and steady then fast paced. _fuck flushing. _he thought to himself. he could care less right now. drowsiness blinding his vision. sleepy eyelids nearly falling every time he blinked. his eyes more focused on jungwoo playing with doyoung's fingers and doyoung playing with jungwoo's hair than the actual movie.

"sleepy?" taeyong questioned, his hand rubbing his arm comfortingly. chenle weakly nodded, yawning silently. "guess that shower wore you out." taeyong carded his fingers through the chilly wet hair. taking out any tangles the conditioner missed. "you can sleep here lele, hyungs will wake you up in the morning before your schedule." taeyong whispered. pulling a soft white blanket off the back of the leather couch, draping it messily on top of chenle. watching the younger curl up and close his eyes. taeyong's fingers crossing through the locks lulling him into slumber. eyes shutting as the sound of laughter and voices closing out. rest.

...

chenle was met with wood floor meeting his vision from his slumber. taeyong's warmth gone, cold leather hitting his skin instead. blanket kicked off in his sleep now messily piled on the floor a fan from the ceiling making his body even colder. a loud ding startling him. chenle sat up, recognizing the room as 127s living room. he gazed as the direction of the sound, spotting the bare cased phone plugged into the wall, resting in the corner on the hardwood floor. the youngest chinese male whisked from the couch to his phone, turning it on.

_(ch-n) _ _you have been tagged in a post!_

chenle clicked on the notification in curiosity, typing in his passcode and waiting for it to load. mindlessly tapping his fingers on his thin knees. "_most popular accounts." _the caption read. a bright pink post with cartoon characters on the page. popular? he scrolled down to the description, _"next is ch-n! his extreme weight loss is so incredible..." _what, he is popular because of it? it felt wrong._ why would people want to do this? do they like this? do they want people to do this? do they think it is ok?_ _no, they don't right. they should know how fucking dangerous this is._ he thought. chenle huffed, running a hand through his now dry hair. the young chinese male going through comments and finding comment after comment after comment of people agreeing, only once in a blue moon comments realizing how stupid post like these are. going to his main page and finally noticing the uproar of his dms. he clicked the top one. breath hitching at the words. 

_willy.nilly ; _ _they said you lose weight real quick, how? i wanna know too._

_ch-n ; _ _no. no, you don't. this fucked up my life, you're perfect ok? just how you are._

chenle hit send placing his phone down onto the floor. people don't need to see posts like that, making other people doubt how they look and seeking to act like others on the underground side of instagram vent accounts. _people want to be like me_. it made his stomach churn. he wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy. the nearly unbreakable cycle pestering him day by day. 

_don't be like me_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated <3


	5. five ;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a bit shorter than usual i apologize ;-;

_ow._

chenle's eyes parted wide, the echos of the shower wails loudly in his ears. stomach aching loudly. cool water gushing over his thin frame. it was too loud. knocking startling him.

"lele? are you ok it's been a while?" jaemin, earning murmurs from other dreamies waiting for him. he had blacked out.

"i am ok!" he responded a bit too loudly. voice scratchy and rough. chenle sat up a little, turning the water up a bit temperature wise to try and heat up his skin.

"you've been in there for a while, can you come out?" donghyuck keened. sounding more like a demand than a question. chenle peeked out the curtain, calling for the boys that the door was unlocked. the door opened, jaemin peeking.

"you okay?" chenle nodded, yawning tiredly. "why'd you ask?"

"it's been a while, like half an hour or even an hour probably."

"oh."

"come out soon, our water bill is gonna tank." jaemin smiled softly, leaving chenle alone again. chenle backed up to sit normally again. sighing and rubbing his tired eyes. the chinese male pushed the knob downwards, water ceasing from dropping. the realization of his migraine growing loudly in his head. chenle exited the tub, shivering at the cool air hitting his skin. eyes meeting with his own in the full length mirror. giving him an over-detailed view. chenle took a small intake of breath, pinching his tummy. skin pulling into his fingers, turning bright red against pale skin. his fingers danced around as he took notice of all of his body. small bruises flowering on his skin. he ceased, taking a deep breath before rushing to pull a scale out and stepping on. firetruck red numbers altering quickly till they stopped.

_54kg._

_..._

_i am so stupid lmao_   
_blacked out for like an hr? _   
_idk how long but i wanna sleep_

chenle hit post, yawning tiredly into the soft hoodie (i.e. one he stole from kun before he left) to help warm up since his hair was still a wet mop. the hustle of dance practice filling his ears, looking from the corner of his eye at donghyuck teasing renjun. jaemin and jeno napping against the mirror, jisung being the only one genuinely practicing.

the younger chinese male knew well enough that he shouldn't be practicing, the ill dizzy feeling he got when standing wasn't a good sign. the cool air from a small fan hitting him felt like heaven, trying to get the smallest amount of energy prepared for long hours of tireless practice with the small rest he could get now.

_seven_ _ thirty am - eleven thirty am ; practice _   
_eleven thirty am - twelve thirty pm ; break and lunch_   
_twelve thirty pm - two pm; vocal practice_

chenle recalls for his schedule today, not the worst he's ever had. he was about to start their day of practice, seeing their manager beginning to pull up the music playlist. chenle shut his phone off, placing it down onto the rubber-like flooring. standing up straight, white dots filling his vision, feeling ill as he tried to regain clear vision. wobbly steps to the center.

"warm-ups! get in a line dreamies!" the choreographer called out, sleepy members nodding, lining up with wingspan lengths between them.

"arms across." the choreographer demonstrated, the boys playing copycat with the movements. chenle digging a hole into the mirror as he gazes over his fluent movements, deaf to the words the choreographer called out.

"lele?"

jeno's voice filled his ears, snapping out of his gaze.

"you okay? you spaced out." chenle noticed the deafening silence surrounding him, seeing the eyes of everyone digging deep into him.   
"'m good." chenle smiled weakly. "sorry."

"don't apologize you're fine." renjun patted his shoulder, his soft gaze comforting him.

"just pay attention next time."

chenle nodded, getting back in line to finish up warm ups, his slurred mind trying to focus on moves and the feel of their song playing loudly in their head, desperately begging for the call of a break. mind swirled and fixated only on trying to look normal, not slow, or unbalanced. looking decent. kun's warm hoodie feeling like fire on his skin the more heat their body created. the heat making everything feel more slowed than it already did. it most definitely wasn't good. music slowing after what seemed like hours just for chenle to rush to toss the hoodie off, a thin long sleeved t-shirt underneath. slowly breathing to try and get his mind back in the main focus. the recent blackout making everything feel like walking through jelly. unbeknownst to the worried glares his members gave him, unaware to the eldest dreamie calling quietly for a break. so early even, they could see the painfully tiredness fogging around chenle's mind. light pink t-shirt soaked with sweat, heavy breathing. all of it. the staff members wetting a linen towel with cold water to lay on chenle's neck. 

jisung quietly arrived, laying it gently across the elder's neck, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. "they said you could lay down for a bit, you need a cool off." chenle nodded weakly, too tired to protest the action. leaning into jisung's aid to help him up, leading to the leather couch in the corner of the practice room, the a.c. placed perfectly above the couch.

"get some rest."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated


	6. six ;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wahhhh m sorry i havent updated this in so long  
but its back! :)  
thank you for my friend for editing it :)

"lele are you okay? they told us you weren't feeling too good earlier." chenle looked up, meeting eyes with jungwoo. his sad smile not being overlooked. 

"'m fine. just needed some rest." chenle replied curled under blankets, the second youngest sitting up, rubbing his eyes with balled fists. 

"you can continue to rest lele, i was just coming in to check on you." jungwoo moved to lie him down again, grabbing the damp, pink washcloth to place back on chenle's head. 

"no, i've been sleeping for a while. i need to stay awake." chenle yawned, pulling the cloth off, noticing jungwoo's uneasy face. "something wrong hyung? you look a little off." jungwoo paused, taking a deep breath before moving to sit down on the bed. 

"lele, i need you to be honest with me—okay? and please don't be mad." jungwoo started, his hand curling around the younger’s own, rubbing over the noticeably scarred knuckles. 

"hyung, what's going on?" chenle questioned, an uneasy pit growing inside his stomach. just what exactly did he know?

"when we watched that movie the other night, i saw your phone. your notifications. i went on your phone lele, and i'm so sorry. i know it's your privacy but it was just so worrying." jungwoo paused, allowing for chenle to let the information sink in. 

"you saw it, huh?" chenle mumbled, no emotion dripping off his words. his stomach twisting, anxiously knotting up. the fact that his secret was now known by someone making him feel terribly ill. his eyes becoming watery. 

"lele please don't be mad-" the sound around him becoming warped and stretching. desperately trying to make sense of what had happened. pulling his legs up to his chest.

"you know we don't have much privacy, like-like you know that almost everything we do is public, so you just go through my privacy? are you serious?!" chenle snapped, his chest aching as he pulled on his hair. "that was my only place where i don't have to worry about people hating me or anything. you invaded my privacy!"

"i know chenle, i'm so fucking sorry." jungwoo paused. "lele please understand i was just worried, those notifications were terrifying to me." jungwoo’s voice small, afraid even, effectively silencing the boys rage. stillness falling over the two. 

"chenle please just tell me, is that true? everything on there." asking even though he already knew the answer, jungwoo wishing that it was anything but the truth. the younger stayed silent, his faced pressed down into his knees. "lele?" something breaking inside of him, an overwhelming torrent of emotion washing over him like a wave. letting out bursts of sobs. feeling numb to the sounds and hands covering him, ignoring the shushing from his hyung. mumbling apologies over and over. 

"'m so sorry hyung." chenle sobbed, coming out as dry heaves the more he cried, grabbing onto jungwoo, trying to hold him tight and close, needing the warmth and comfort. 

"don't apologize please, you haven't done anything wrong. i've messed up, i invaded your privacy." jungwoo stroked his hair, bringing him close. the younger leaning against his chest. 

"please don't tell anyone." chenle weakly whispered, crying into his hyungs button up shirt. fists gripping into the fabric. jungwoo simply staying silent, just focusing on calming chenle. the younger feeling ill from just how hard he was crying. chenle took a deep breath, pulling away, yet still gripping tightly onto jungwoo. 

"how did this start lele? if you’re comfortable with telling me of course," chenle pausing as he brushed away stray tears. pulling his pillow from behind him, holding it to release the tension in his hands. 

"i didn't expect my whole life to be controlled when i started. i can barely control anything," he admitted. "i needed something in my life where i didn't have someone else controlling what i do. this helped me—you know? but i know that this isn't healthy, you don't have to tell me. but it's addicting. and it's so hard to stop hyung. it fucked up how i eat and i can barely fucking hold anything down. it hurts like hell." jungwoo paused, thinking of the right thing to say. 

"have you tried stopping at all?" 

"i mean, a couple of times. but i've failed so many times that i just end up giving up. i know i've screwed up, but i honestly can't see myself getting better at this point." chenle mumbling that last part. jungwoo silently sighed, letting one hand drop to cradle chenle's own. 

"when did it start?" 

"two years ago if i remember correctly, during go promotions." jungwoo felt his heart sank knowing that the second youngest was struggling for so long. the two sat in silence for a moment, chenle sitting up straighter. looking jungwoo in the eyes. "it's scary, and i hear so many stories about people having bulimia and dying. or people whos esophagus' ruptured. and the thought that i could actually die from this is terrifies me more than anything." chenle mumbled, clenching his pillow tightly. 

"lele we need to get you help, okay? we need to tell the others." chenle's eyes flashing with a hint of fear at the thought, staring up in disbelief. 

"hyung, no! i didn't even want you to find out. i didn't want anybody to find out! and i don't plan on anyone else finding out. i will figure it out myself—okay?" chenle explained, a tinge of anger lacing his words. jungwoo paused, pushing back his hair and sighing. silence once again falling over the two. 

"just consider, okay? we aren't going to leave you behind." jungwoo whispered, "you know kun is always willing to talk with you hm? he loves you so much." he added. chenle nodding weakly. 

"i know, but i hate worrying you. i hate being a burden to any of you. that's why i didn't want anyone to find out." the younger sighed, rubbing his face to rid it of any signs that he was crying. jungwoo wrapped chenle into a tight hug, shaking his head. 

"you will never be a burden to any of us. never." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed  
kudos and comments are appreciated <3


	7. seven ;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bark bark arf arf hi  
not many warnings in this  
its not the beSt but m trying i havent written in a while  
okay enjoy

"you need to tell someone." jungwoo whispered, cradling chenle on his bed in the 127 dorm. the younger had spent a lot more time in there, talking about things with his hyung and jungwoo trying to coax him into trying to recover again. 

"you tend to say that a lot, hyung." chenle looked away from his phone, seeing the disappointed glare from jungwoo. "i know you want me too but i am not ready, i never planned for anyone to know." he mumbled, shying away from the elders glare. placing his phone down and sitting up on the twin bed, looking over at jungwoo. "i know you are thinking about it, and no i don't want you to tell them." chenle added. 

"lele you know we could get you better if we tell them." jungwoo leaned over, rubbing chenle's back slowly, biting his lips as he felt the ridges of his spine prickling out. "why does it scare you?" jungwoo asked quietly, seeing chenle's face tighten then drop, stuck in his thoughts trying to find a response. jungwoo leaned his head onto chenle's shoulder. 

"hurting people," chenle spoke up, "i know that so many people die from this so i don't want them worrying. and i am scared of dying. the thought of other people worrying about me dying feels awful."

"but we could help you, do you want to tell the members? ignore being scared, do you want too in general?" jungwoo questioned. 

"yeah, i wanna get better and i know the members would help but what if they don't? what if they get mad?" 

"why would they be mad at you?"

"when we were trainees we all went through mental health classes before our debut, i knew what i was doing the first time and i know now, i just can't stop so i would just be letting them down." chenle huffed, the elder thought back onto the classes before his debut, remembering how the instructor was very adamant everybody listened. "it is an addiction, and no matter how hard i try i always mess up and end up going back to it. its messed the way i eat too so even if i stopped my body will treat it like a threat and try and get it out." chenle explained, his body tensing as he felt tears prick at his eyes.

"you know that we would help you right? maybe tell a member you trust? like jisungie? you know hyuck would understand right?" jungwoo offered, watching chenle sit up straight, eyes widening. shaking his head no quickly. 

"hyung-- no, i do not want jisung to know, i don't want him to know." chenle paused, jungwoo sighing near silently. "i don't want to tell the members because they might tell other members without telling me." jungwoo hummed in understanding. "i know you want me to tell someone but they could tell someone else, i am not ready for everyone knowing." 

"how about donghyuck?" jungwoo offered, "he will understand and will be able to help you? or yuta-hyung?" 

"yuta-hyung got mad at me the other day, i don't know if i would be able to talk about this with him." chenle whispered, pulling his knees up and letting his feet sit on the bed frame. "donghyuck-hyung maybe." he paused, "just not now, i am not ready for hyuck-hyung to know."

"that's okay, do it when you are ready lele." jungwoo smiled sadly, hugging chenle's frame. silence filling jungwoo's room. a small _bump_ was heard at the door like weight was being pulled off from it, chenle perking up at the sound.

"hello?" he called out, no response. chenle stood up, opening the door and peaking down the hallway. closing the door and leaning against it as realization set in. "hyung someone heard." chenle looked with panicked eyes, stomach twisting into knots, falling at the door to the floor to grab at his hair. "someone heard and now they know. they are gonna tell." chenle cried, jungwoo falling to the wooden floor beside him to hold him. not knowing the words to say. 

"lele calm down, it may have just been the house settling." the elder comforted, chenle shook his head, nails digging into jungwoo's forearms.

"no no no no it wasn't just the house settling someone was there." he rambled, clinging to jungwoo. "they are gonna tell someone."

chenle's mind rushed, failing to believe how quick everything is happening. he kept it well hidden and covered for two years just for everything to fall and break in the matter of days. his secrets beginning to open for everyone to see.

_how could this happen?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, comments and kudos are appreciated


	8. eight ;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruh hiii

"what's wrong hyuck? you look upset." mark nudged, an apple in his left hand. donghyuck shook his head, opening the water bottle in his hands. "you can trust me hyuck-- yanno?" 

"it's nothing about me." donghyuck stated. "it isn't my place to tell." mark turned his head to the side, eyebrows furrowing into a tight line. the two fell into a silence, listening to the other members speak over them in the practice room. donghyuck leaned back, sipping his water slowly. mark leaned back with him, looking over at the youngest 127 member. 

"alright, but if you are wanting to talk you know who to talk to. all of the guys more like it." mark offered, pulling his phone out to play a game. donghyuck let his head hang, thinking about what happened. 

_he didn't mean to listen in, leaning against the wooden door as he heard chenle and jungwoo talk quietly. hearing chenle talk and slowly lead into why he couldn't tell the members. _

_"_ _tell us what?" donghyuck thought, gasping silently after chenle finished, covering his mouth and pressing his ear against the door again. soon hearing his name being spoken in a hushed words. donghyuck pulled away, hearing the door bump loudly against the frame of the door, running off on the tip of his toes, turning down into his room and closing it shut before chenle could open the door he was in. _

he set his bottle down, looking at mark tapping on his phone tediously. "mark you cannot tell anybody this," donghyuck bit his tongue after, closing his eyes, "the only reason i am telling you this is because i'm worried about chenle." donghyuck sat up, mark turning his phone off and turning towards him. 

"the other day i accidentally overheard chenle and jungwoo-hyung talk." mark hummed, "chenle mentioned how we would be mad at him, i didn't know what he was talking about but then he started mentioning how somethingmessed up how he ate."

"what do you mean?"

"i think he's bulimic mark-hyung." mark fell silent, rubbing his bottom lip with his forefinger. "you cannot tell anyone, i shouldn't be telling you this even." 

"donghyuck he could die, you know this." mark whisper-yelled. "we need to tell our managers." donghyuck shook his head. 

"he doesn't want the members knowing hyung." donghyuck ran a hand through his hair, tugging lightly on the bleached strands. "just please let him tell the members when he is ready, don't tell anyone else." donghyuck stopped, standing up as their instructor called them to the center again. "and when he does-- don't act like you knew." donghyuck finished. getting into position for punch without another word. mark let the words sit in his head, an uncomfortable whir in his stomach, pulling his lip into his mouth with worry. following donghyuck into the dance formation. letting his body fall into his normal reaction to the sound of the music, though his thoughts lied elsewhere, only thinking about their second youngest. 

it wasn't long before mark told (two days later to be exact), unfortunately breaking his and donghyuck's trust. donghyuck's panicked voice when mark admitted it hurting his chest.

dream practice was cut short when chenle was abruptly pulled out of his vocal practice and shoved into a meeting room with their manager and head director. his heart dropping at the news. 

"a member had told us something chenle, we need to confirm it okay?" chenle quirked his brow, humming softly. 

"he had said you have been having behaviors like binging and purging? is that true?" chenle's stomach twisted, his knee-jerk reaction to immediately deny. _no no no i would never. _his silence must being the answer they needed as they both looked at one another with worry.

"well we must start by beginning therapy, and we will put you on break until your condition improves..." their manager told softly, looking at chenle's pale frame, taking sight of chenle's faint scars plastered over his knuckles. 

"who told you." chenle said coldly. folding his hands in his lap, locking his fingers together. 

"chenle-"

"please tell me, who told you? jungwoo-hyung? was it jungwoo hyung?" chenle looked up, his chest rising shallowly. 

"chenle wait-"

"no no he told you didn't he? god i know he did." chenle stood up from his chair, leaving the room with tears falling down in anger. not registering the flight of stairs he took downwards and into the practice hall, looking into each room until he spotted familiar faces. 

"why did you tell?" chenle asked, walking up too jungwoo, pulling his arm to face him. "why did you tell?!"

"chenle what happened?"

"i know you told! why did you tell? you told me you wouldn't tell! why did you fucking tell?!" chenle heaved, yelling louder, through blurred tears he saw the silhouette of jungwoo reaching out to hold his shoulders. "don't touch me!" chenle pushed back. 

"lele calm down!" johnny spoke in a warm tone despite his demanding words. 

"no he told!" chenle cried, hitting jungwoo's chest with clenched fists, weak punches as he fell to the ground. "why did you tell?" he cried. "you said you would never tell." jungwoo went beside him, meeting his eyes. 

"lele i never told anyone, okay? i promised." jungwoo whispered, hand going to the back of chenle's head, rubbing the back of his neck. "i didn't tell."

"what is going on?" taeyong walked over, crouching in front of the second youngest. "lele what happened?" chenle let his sobs reach his throat. 

"someone told." chenle cried, falling onto taeyong, curling up and tightening his grip on the older. the remaining 127 members looking in panic and worry, seeing their treasured member looking so vulnerable. anger shown they never known the sweet boy held. 

"what did they tell lele?" taeyong asked, chenle shook his head, crying louder as all of his feelings set in, pouring out the buckets of anger and sadness he held. flowing out like a river. 

"hyung tell him you told." donghyuck nudged, "he is so angry at jungwoo for nothing." 

"you tell him you told me then." mark added, grabbing his bag and pulling a water bottle out, crouching next to the younger. holding the bottle to chenle's mouth. donghyuck scratched his temple, guilt holding his heart down. looking at the red faced boy in front of him. chenle's fingers were clenched into taeyong's arm tightly, face pressed into his chest as he cried out. johnny was speaking to jungwoo quietly, the younger sputtering out explanations, seemingly almost tears. his stomach churned, guilt eating him sick. 

donghyuck shrugged himself to an open spot, resting his hand on chenle's shoulder. 

"chenle don't be mad at jungwoo-hyung," he paused, taking a quiet sigh, "i found out lele, and told someone, they told management." chenle hiccuped, looking to his left at donghyuck, eyes glossy and shiny. 

"what?" he whispered, taking a deep breath. "you- you! you were the one outside jungwoo-hyung's door, listening to us!" chenle yelled, pointing at donghyuck. "who did you tell hyung?" he asked, voice shaky and panicked. "tell me who you told! you told my personal information to someone hyuck!" the room fell deafeningly silent. all eyes on donghyuck as they waited. 

"i told mark." chenle's eyes flashed to his hyung, hurt filling his eyes. 

"chenle i- you were hurt! you need help lele." 

"you think i didn't know that? you told something that was meant for me to tell." chenle finished, wiping his face of tears. "god this isn't supposed to be happening." he murmured. 

"lele, what happened?" taeyong asked quietly, approaching chenle and grabbing onto his shoulder gently. watching him tense up under the light grip. "we are worried." chenle turned around, his face softening at the sight of the leader. 

"i'm bulimic." he said quietly, watching everyone go wide eyed with shock. 

"lele-" chenle pulled away, "no i need to be alone." chenle said curtly, rushing out of the door, leaving all of 127 standing in silence. 

"oh my god, that's why-" yuta gasped, crouching down and tugging at his hair, taking a shuddered breath. "oh my god." he cried. 

"yuta what?" johnny wrapped his arms around yuta, pulling him up. 

"the other night- oh my god, i'm such an asshole. he left dinner after i said- oh my god." 

...

he didn't know what to feel. 

_anger? sadness? relief?_

chenle tugged a blanket tighter around himself, sighing into the warm fabric. the quiet whirring of the fan filling his ears. the dorm was silent, despite the other 5 boys being in the house. all of them probably sitting in the living room, silent, the tv on low volume as all of them looked at one another. chenle didn't want to see any of them, the thought alone made him sick. _who else knew?_

his thought was cut short by the door creaking open and closed. footsteps walking closer to chenle before a weight sunk half of the bed.

"hi." it was a quiet murmur. barely audible. chenle looked over to see jisung sadly smiling at his hyung. chenle moved over, letting jisung lay beside him. a comforting warmth wafting from him. "i heard about what happened. with you and the hyung's." jisung mumbled, leaning to perch his head on chenle's shoulder. 

"are they angry?" chenle asked quietly. 

"no no. i think they are worried." jisung replied, looking up at chenle. he nodded, rubbing his eyes. 

"i don't know what to do now. the whole world knows. everyone is calling me and texting me, they are all suddenly looking at me. why did this happen?" chenle held his phone up, pulling the notification screen down to show the mass of text and missed calls. "i'm so drained from everyone, and then their disappointment. they're all so mad at me. they give me pity and i don't want it anymore. kun-hyung keeps calling me, i don't have the heart to answer. same with my mom." chenle finishes, letting his phone drop to his chest. silence filling the space between them. 

"you should talk to kun-hyung, he is calling us too." jisung nudged. 

"he is?" jisung hummed in reply. chenle bit his lip, looking at his phone buzzing against his chest. "later." chenle pulled the blanket to his chest. 

"i don't know what i should feel. i'm really angry but i'm also really sad, just everything is conflicting."

"you have every right to be mad lele-hyung. they broke your trust." jisung reached out to grab at chenle's hand. folding their fingers together. "i know where they were coming from, but they should have talked to you first. you should've gone all together."

"nobody was meant to find out. i was going to get better by myself. sure it was hard but it would be better than everyone knowing."

"how did jungwoo-hyung find out?"

"he went through my phone." 

"why?" 

"i don't know, he was suspicious i think." the two went silent after that, looking the bottom of the bunk bed above chenle's head. 

"i hope you get better lele." 

"i hope i do too. this really is so awful to go through but it's not as easy as it sounds to just drop it." chenle explained. "i've tried for so long but i still can't get better. sometimes i'm so close to giving up and just letting this be my life till i die but i don't want it to be."

"you are gonna get better, we are all gonna help you, no matter what challenges, we will help you." jisung squeezed chenle's palm, looking over at chenle. the elder smiled, mouthing _thank you. _

chenle's phone rang in the midst of their silence, holding it up to see the familiar contact of _kun. _"should i answer?" jisung shrugged in reply, looking at chenle hover his finger over the button. letting it fall onto it. 

"chenle! i finally got through to you." kun said, voice warm and comforting. 

"hi hyung." 

"are you okay? we got call from taeyong about what happened." 

"i'm okay, i'll be okay hyung. please don't worry."

"lele we will be here to talk if you need at anytime okay?" chenle hummed, sighing softly. _we will be here to talk if you need at anytime. _he got that everytime. taeyong, johnny, jaemin, jungwoo, jisung, everyone. he didn't want to be a burden, their other worries and concerns filling their world. he didn't want to be another. another worry. he knew how to hide it and keep it hidden, he knew how to make it seem like everything fine. _just keep it quiet. pretend it's getting better, pretend it's all okay. _he told himself while mindlessly replying to kun's concerns. _you can handle it on your own, you can get better on your own. _

"jisung! lele! come out!" jeno called loudly from the living room. interrupting the call between chenle and kun. the living room was filled with the whole of dream, jaemin handing two set of cards to jisung and chenle before ushering them to sit down. all quiet with high tension, their eyes drifting to one another as they see chenle sit down. "let's play." jeno dealt out the first card to start the game, others following suit. 

it was an uncomfortable silence within the room, all of their eyes not landing on one spot. no whining when they lost. "can we please just treat this like a normal day?" chenle asked loudly. setting his cards down. "i-i know your worried but it would make me feel better if you treat everything like it's normal." all of the boys looked at another. "it like you guys see me as someone different now, i'm still here, i'm still your lele." chenle gazed at renjun's eyes, large glassy orbs filled with worry. the room fell silent again, words left hanging heavy in the air as the boys thought hard. 

"we are figuring out everything lele," jaemin started, "but we're sorry, we will do better lele." jaemin reached over, encasing chenle in a warm hug, "we will do better." they fell back into the routine of their game, a slow conversation starting between the boys, growing in volume and laughter. it was like a usual night, loud and happy. it felt warm, safe. it was a distraction. the whirlpool of anger and sadness seemed to cease within him, resting to let him be free, be happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are appreciated  
thank you for reading the first chapter!


End file.
